Help! My Kid is Looking at Pornography
This is a heartbreaking realization for any parent. Distressing as it might seem, try to stay calm. Today 20,000 other people will visit our website because they too have found themselves in a similar situation. We can help you get through this. These are not uncharted waters. The critical question is: will you face it well?
Please keep reading: We’ve partnered with our friends at Internet Innocence to create a set of steps that can help your family navigate this situation with calm and grace
Where do I start?
01 - STAY CALM
Seriously! Don’t freak out. Wait for the right opportunity when you’re not in panic mode. You won’t get another chance to have the first talk and too many parents try to talk when emotions are high. Don’t do it.
Other initial reminders:
1. Remind your child that they’re not in trouble and you still love them no matter what happens online.
2. Be strategic about who is involved. For example, if a daughter is using porn, she might be embarrassed to have her father involved in the initial conversation.
3. Calmly present the digital evidence that you found.
4. Share reasons why porn is such a distortion of real love.
5. (Again) Remind your child that they aren’t in trouble, and you still love them.
02 - ASK FOR THEIR HELP
Whenever possible, invite your child into the solution. What ideas do they have for staying away from porn? Do they want to talk to someone like a counselor or youth leader? Any solution that is co-developed is going to be a solution that they are more likely to obey. In other words–lead with the relationship. Make it your goal to come out of this conversation with more digital trust with your child than when it started.
03 - CLOSE DIGITAL DOORS
We at Internet Innocence recommend four layers of digital protection in any home.
1. It starts with the relationship layer–leading by example, being curious and not condemning, having persistent and consistent conversations. All of these lead to greater digital trust.
2. Next is the locational layer. This means guarding against private spaces, bathrooms, bedrooms, and any other trouble spots for tech use. Avoid nighttime. Maybe use a “tech basket” in the kitchen (and parent devices go there, too). Look at your family and decide what locational safeguards are right for you.
3. Layers three and four are the technical layers. It starts with controlling the Wi-Fi network in your home with a strong router. Internet Innocence has some recommendations on their Resources page.
4. And the final layer is to control the devices when they’re not connected to the home Wi-Fi with software like Screen Accountability.
SPECIAL NOTE
How do I know if my child's pornography behavior is out of control?
Parents will often ask us how to know if their child needs extra help. Our friends at Internet Innocencecompiled this list of behaviors from various counseling websites:
1. Your child’s behavior is excessive.
2. Your child can’t seem to stop viewing pornography, even after intervention.
3. Your child’s pornography preferences are hardcore, bizarre, and/or illegal.
4. Your child is engaging in sexual activities with strangers met online.
5. Your child says they want to see a counselor.
How We Can Help
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Recommended Resources
Learn more about how porn impacts your life
DISCUSSION GUIDE
Confident
A step-by-step conversation guide that includes a four-step process for discussing pornography with a child or teen , scripts for conversing with a child about pornography in the light of biblical sexuality, and answers to frequently asked questions. Available for both Catholic and general Christian audiences, Confident is an indispensible guide for parents.
FAMILY ACTIVITY
Safe Digital Family Challenge
Do you want to more fully understand how the internet is impacting your children? Do you need help teaching your children to say no to pornography, while at the same time forming them in a broader understanding of their God-given identity and sexuality?
When you take the Safe Digital Family 7 Day Challenge, you will learn how to create safer digital environments for yourself and others. Join thousands of parents from around the country in taking the Challenge!
